All is Well!

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

 

Ok, a little background on this before I get into what’s bothering me. I was overweight as a child. Wait that sounds too politically correct…I was a fat kid. Yeah, so, it didn’t stop me from being athletic. I played baseball until I was fourteen and football in high school. The only problem was I was very slow. I still am. Me in full speed looks like instant replay.

Between ninth and eleventh grade I grew eleven inches. What happens when you do that is you can eat as much as you want and trim down because of the extra height. Then I stopped growing, haven’t grown since, well not taller.

After high school I was no longer playing football, so no need for exercise. I also was no longer growing but kept eating the same. Do you know what happens when you do that? You gain fifty pounds in three months. Well I did anyway. I kept thinking my clothes were shrinking when actually I was expanding.

That was when I decided to do something about it and have stuck to my regimen to this day. Trying to eat right and exercise regularly is my only healthy obsession. All the others can be considered total lunacy, but not this one.

This is the point I’m trying to make. I exercise because it’s something I’ve done for a long time. I’m not doing it because I’m somehow trying to turn back the clock. I’m not one of the people that fears aging. You hear the sayings,

“Forty is the new twenty.”

“Fifty is the new thirty.”

Do you know who says that? People that don’t like being in their forties and fifty’s.

It could be a whole scam started by the pharmaceutical companies to get people to try all of their anti-aging pills and potions. Although I wouldn’t mind taking some of whatever the hell Christie Brinkley is taking. Have you seen her? She looks the same as she did thirty years ago! My wife says,

“You know she had things done.”

“Yeah so, find out what they were.”

There are plenty of pills and potions on the market for people afraid of getting old. They come with plenty of weird side effects, but so what. Isn’t it worth the risk?

“Men, boost your testosterone and feel like your eighteen again. Side effects include

enlarged breasts, heart attacks and growing a third testicle in the middle of your

forehead.”

When I was younger and went out for a run I would sometimes get catcalls from women as I passed by. Other times they would yell from passing cars. I remember before I moved to Los Angeles I was out there taping Star Search. I went out for a run through West Hollywood which I was naïve about at the time. I was like new meat in town. Every guy was either calling out to me or whistling. Hey, you take what you can get. It was probably my own fault for strutting my stuff like that.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I was jogging through my neighborhood last Saturday. I’m way beyond women calling out to me. That doesn’t bother me, but what happened does.

There are a lot of hills where I live, but I’m used to it. The steepest hill in the plan is almost at the end of my usual route. I was nearing the top of the hill when an SUV pulled over and rolled down the passenger side window.

I should mention that people stop me all the time. They’re usually lost and of course I have nothing better to do than to stop running in the middle of a steep incline to give directions. One day a guy asked if I had seen a loose Doberman. I hadn’t but that was the fastest I ever made it home.

There was a women in a nurse’s uniform inside the SUV. She didn’t need directions. She wanted to know if I was alright.

“I’m fine.” I assured her.

That wasn’t good enough.

“But, you don’t look good.”

I’d rather be whistled at by a guy right now.

“I guess I’m getting too old to do this.”

She laughed as she drove away but it was still insulting.

So now I guess I have to change my routine  and run after dark. At least nobody will stare at the testicle dangling in the middle of my head.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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