President’s Day

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

Monday is President’s day which means schools are off, I believe. The banks will be closed and I’m certain the Post Office won’t be open. Of course the Post Office closes for almost any holiday. Weren’t they just closed last week for Valentine’s Day, not to mention Columbus Day, Halloween, Secretaries Day and September 19, “International Talk like a Pirate Day…That’s actually a listed holiday. I looked it up Matey.

There was a time when we celebrated both Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays on separate dates. They were then combined into one, I think because mattress sales were slow between the two dates. Yes, that’s how we celebrate two of history’s great presidents.

“Twenty percent off on a Queen size, Thirty percent off a King.”

Washington’s is actually February 22 but was moved to the third Monday of the month in 1971 to create a three day weekend. So Party! Oh wait, most of us have to work that day. We should apply for one of those cushy government jobs. I hear the Post Office will be closed this year on Thursday July 27 for “Take Your Plants for a Walk Day.”

Once again I’m not making this up. You’ll see. Wait until your plants seem limp on that day because you forgot all about them. Of course you’re probably better off upsetting your plants than your neighbors. You don’t want them getting up a petition trying to evict the lunatic that walks around town carrying his fern.

History tells us that Washington and Lincoln were two of our greatest President’s ever. History has little or nothing bad to say about either one. I had to do a bit of searching and digging to find some flaws with the two of them. As it turns out, they weren’t as perfect as History depicts them.

First of all, Washington was a bit of an ego-maniac. He liked to see his name all over the place. He has towns named after him, Washington, Pennsylvania for example. He even made them name one of the states after him. The bridge that connects New York and New Jersey, “The George Washington Bridge.” Right here in Pittsburgh, it could have been Mount Allegheny or Mount Monongahela but noooo…It’s Mount Washington…Sorry I forgot, Mount Wurshington.

Then there’s the myth that “He never told a lie.” Turns out he lied all the time. It’s just that Betsy Ross would go around telling everybody that what George was saying was “alternative truths.”

Lincoln liked to see his name everywhere too. Try to find one town in the United States that doesn’t have a Lincoln Avenue. Then there was the conflict of interest in him owning “Lincoln Financial” while he was in office. Of course he had his children run it while he was President, but who knows how that may have influenced some of the decisions he made.

The biggest problem I found with Lincoln was that he used to skip his security briefings to spend all of his time on the telegraph. All day he would just sit there sending out telegraph messages instead of concentrating on his job as President. After some research, I was able to find a few of his telegraph messages.

“Slavery is terrible, a disaster…so bad.”

“Four score and seven years ago. Great words. My words. I use the best words.”

“Jefferson Davis thinks he’s president. Sad. Just sad.”

So, as you see, these men may not have been as great as we have been led to believe. But, they do get you a discount on a mattress. Oh, and don’t forget to take your “Spider Plant” around the block come July.

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