A Hole in What?

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

My wife came home the other day and announced,

Since this is coming out on April 1, I thought I would do something for April Fools. My first thought was to say I had been abducted by aliens and taken aboard their ship. Of course you would have seen right through that. There’s no way aliens could have gotten here with all of the road closures and construction Penn Dot has going on right now.
My next idea was to take credit for one of Pittsburgh’s mysteries. The most famous is the B-52 that crashed into the Mon and was never found. That happened way back in 1956, long before I was born. That wouldn’t work. So, I searched through other Pittsburgh obscurities.
That’s when I came across the legend of the hole in the Ohio River. Native Americans believed the Ohio River was filled with evil spirits. A story that dates back to 1786 describes a “hole” at the bottom of the river. Then in 1910, the “Pittsburgh Dispatch” reported a hole with no bottom was found in the Ohio River. It was never officially documented but swimmers and boaters avoided that area. Here’s the kicker, they claimed the hole was found in the bend in the river near the McKees Rocks Bottoms.
So even back then people were coming up with excuses to avoid going to the Rocks. It gets to be annoying. Growing up there was a great experience but, people don’t believe it. A few weeks ago I was performing out of town. During my show I mention I’m from Pittsburgh. After the show, a guy came up and asked me what part of Pittsburgh I was from.
“McKees Rocks.”
“Yeah, I went there once. I made sure it was during the day.”

Then he laughed. Being the good mannered McKees Rocks native that I am, I told him he should love himself. Well, I told him to go do something to himself, but it meant the same thing.

So, here’s what I’m thinking. Since the hole has never been documented, let’s go look for it. They didn’t have the same technology back in 1910 that we do today. I can get one of those submarines that can reach the deepest part of the ocean. Could probably rent one from “Chucko Brothers” in McKees Rocks. They have everything there.

We can film this as a show and call it, “Finding the Hole.” Hey, if “Finding Bigfoot” is still on the air since 2011, why not this? I mean after that many years they should have found Bigfoot by now. The show should be totally different. Bigfoot could come out and do a dance number. Then another Bigfoot could come out and do ventriloquism. The puppet Bigfoot could squeal while Bigfoot drinks a glass of water. They could call it, “Bigfoot’s Got Talent.”

As of now, the show “Finding Bigfoot” is the same thing every week. They never find him, they just claim to hear him and smell him. Hey you guys spend a lot of time in the woods, maybe you stink!

I know, I shouldn’t question other people’s hygiene. What do you want from me? I’m from a town with a hole in it.
We could do this as a documentary. With 4 episodes.

Episode 1, “Working our way into the Hole.”
Episode 2, “Going as deep and long into the Hole as possible.”
Episode 3, “Pulling out of the Hole and coming up with an excuse to leave.”
Episode 4, “Promising to Call.”

This would be an interesting show. Plus, it would help to demonstrate what a great place McKees Rocks is. Hey, I’m from there. How bad could it be?

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.

JohnKnight