Opening Day

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

Hopefully you’ve thawed out by now if you attended the Pirates home opener. The first time it was cold and snowy on opening day since…well, last year.

Are you excited? Do you have faith? After three straight playoff seasons, the Pirates finished under five hundred again last year. You know, like they did for twenty straight seasons before the three playoff years. So, of course during the off season, they went out and got the players they need to get back to the playoffs. Well, actually they didn’t, because that costs money.
Cheapskate owner Bob Nutting, once again did nothing to prove that he’s committed to winning. Instead of adding players, they let guys walk. It might have been nice to keep Sean Rodriguez around in case…you know, maybe your third baseman isn’t allowed into the country because he didn’t learn his lesson after his first two or three DUI’s.

I don’t get the feeling that the Pirates organization is too confident in fans coming out just for the team. They are already having giveaway promotions starting with the second game. That is Francisco Cervelli singing bobble head night. Because, nothing screams baseball like a singing bobble head.

The next day they’re giving away batting gloves to all fans under 14. Does this sound like management that believes in the product on the field? No, it’s the same old philosophy. Low payroll, more fireworks and handing out cheap crap.

If the team collapses before they trade Andrew McCutchen…yes, he’s gone. Because, even though he’s considered a bargain, he makes too much money for, see (Cheapskate owner Bob Nutting) above. What I’m saying is, if the team is worse than last year, “One wash and they’re ruined” t-shirt Fridays won’t be good enough. That’s why I’ve come up with some promotions to make the games exciting if the team sucks.
First up is the “Pierogi Cannon.” This is only a natural to go along with the “Pierogi Races.” The “Hot Dog” and “T-shirt” cannons have gotten stale. Those things just come floating out of there. I’m suggesting knocking those cannons up a couple of gauges and using those pierogi’s as a projectile.

Slather them with butter and onions, then shoot them at unsuspecting fans. Even if you’re looking, it will be hard to catch a butter covered pierogi coming at you like a torpedo. Then we put up the “Pierogi Cam” on the scoreboard and laugh at the splattered patrons.
Next up is “Bat against a major league pitcher day.” Now, the average fan would look foolish trying to hit against most major league pitchers. That’s why you have to make it easy. This will give the Pirates a chance to use Drew Hutchinson. He’s the pitcher they acquired in the Francisco Liriano salary dump last year. I’m sorry, GM Neil Huntington claims it wasn’t a salary dump. He said the Pirates had their eyes on this guy for a while. Yeah, well you may want to get your eyes examined.

This guy gave up something like ten runs an inning in spring training. They weren’t lucky hits either. The balls were flying off the bats like…well, pierogi’s out of a cannon.

Finally we have, “Sit next to Bob Nutting and give him a piece of your mind night.” This one should be a big hit and they can probably do it once a week.

About five years ago, before the Pirates had any winning seasons, I had an early morning flight. When I entered the men’s room at Pittsburgh airport, there was only one other person in there. Pirate’s owner “Bob Nutting.” The thought entered my mind to shove his head in a toilet and hold it under water until he agreed to sell the team.

I considered it for a moment and I could see that he was getting a bit nervous about the way I was looking at him. Looking back, I should have done it. After the arrest and the trial, I would have been considered a Pittsburgh hero. The man who saved the Pirates.
This is the only way I was ever going to get a statue outside of PNC Park. Can you imagine Clemente, Mazeroski, Stargell, Wagner and Knight? Of course, instead of holding a bat, I would be holding a guy’s head in the toilet.

So my idea is to allow people to sit next to Mr. Nutting and tell him what they think. We can get the 18 angriest fans in Pittsburgh to get half an inning each. Naturally, I get the top of the first. Oh, if you get the bottom of the first and Nutting goes to the bathroom between at bats…if I’m walking behind him, he’s not coming back.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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