Inflatable Jesus

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

It was an interesting week preceding Easter. We were introduced to “The Mother of All Bombs” and also got to see United Airlines totally annihilate their old slogan of “Fly the Friendly Skies.” So this weekend as we celebrate the life and death…and then life again of Jesus, I think we should remember his teachings.

Things like, “Turn the other cheek’” and “Blessed are the poor.” You know, the kind of things that you would never hear coming from the mouths of todays, “So called Christians.”

I wanted to get the message across. Maybe get people to reflect on what this holiday is truly about. As I drove around my neighborhood looking at the painted bunnies in the yards and plastic eggs dangling from the trees, I wondered what the hell these things had to do with Easter. Then it dawned on me. I realized what I had to do. I drove over to home depot.

They had big inflatable bunnies and a giant blow up egg, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. I found a guy that was working in that department.

“Do you carry an inflatable Jesus on the cross?”

He looked at me kind of confused for a minute and then said,

“I don’t think so. But, I’m new here.”

“Maybe there’s one in the back or they’re all sold out. Maybe you could order one for me.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I’ll get the manager.”

I waited there a few minutes for the manager to come over.

“You don’t have any inflatable Jesus on the cross. I thought maybe you were sold out and could order one for me.”

He looked at me like I was out of my mind. He was quiet for a minute and then he responded.

“Sir, I don’t think there is any such item.”

“You would think there would be. I mean it makes so much more sense than a big rabbit.”

I could see by the way he was looking at me that our conversation was over. I headed over to Lowes.

They didn’t have them there either, but the salesman agreed that it was a good idea. In fact, he thought it was such a good idea, that I could see him pointing at me and discussing it as I exited the store. At least, I think that’s why he was pointing at me. I decided to check online.

Bingo! I should have known. You can find everything on the internet these days. They had a wide selection. I decided to get the big one, the forty footer. Then I got some pink and purple lights to put in the bushes surrounding inflatable Jesus. You know, to give it that Easter feel.

So now Jesus hovers over the neighborhood. I see cars slowing down and neighbors walking by with their mouths open as they point to my inflatable Jesus. You don’t get that kind of reaction with a big stupid egg in the yard.

The other morning I heard the doorbell ring. I looked out to see the “Jehovah’s Witnesses” were back. I thought I got rid of them a few years back. Must be a new batch. I decided to spread my message to them. I opened the back door and plugged in my extension cord.

I could hear the air going into Jesus as I walked toward the front door. As I pulled the door open, it was me, the “Jehovah’s Witnesses” and Jesus towering four stories above us. They didn’t give me the usual patter. They just stood there with their mouths and eyes wide open. One of them handed me a pamphlet and they ran down the steps. Looks like they got the message.

“Happy Easter.”

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