It’s Just the News!

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

Today I want to talk about the news and not, the new term “Fake News” that we’ve been introduced to. Although, that would explain things. You have to admit a lot of what’s happened in the past year has to leave you shaking your head.

“That really didn’t happen, did it?”

“He really didn’t just do that, did he?”

“He really didn’t just say that, did he?”

“Why doesn’t somebody take his phone away?”

No, I want to talk about what’s happened to the local news. Why can’t it just be the news anymore? Now, it opens every night with “Breaking News!” You would expect it to be something that you absolutely need to see. It’s breaking news after all. They get you all excited for this unbelievable or tragic event they are about to reveal and then…

“There’s a water main break in Blawnox.”

Is this really considered breaking news and if so, for who? The people living in Blawnox are already aware of the fact they have no water. Just a geyser and lake where there used to be a road. They really don’t need this news to fill them in on what’s happening.

As for the rest of us, it really doesn’t affect our lives. I mean unless I was planning to get in the car and drive over to Blawnox to use the toilet or shower, why do I care?

Then they go to live video from the scene. It’s usually some old guy that was never good looking enough to be an anchorman and spent his whole life as a field reporter. So, now they have him standing in front of the gushing water.

“The break initially occurred around nine o’clock this evening. Crews are on the scene but we have no update on when the repairs will be finished.”

It’s not just the news that annoys me but what’s happened to the weather reporting. It’s not just the weather anymore, but “Storm Team” or “Storm Tracker.” What do they do when there aren’t any storms? They go out and find one.

This past winter, we had minimal snow fall in the Pittsburgh area. That didn’t stop them from reporting on it. They’d just send a field reporter out to the top of the mountain in Somerset, where they can get three inches in July. It would be the same poor bastard who reported on the water main break. This guy may as well work in the sewer. He never goes home at night with dry pants and shoes.

“The roads are treacherous tonight on top of this God forsaken mountain.”

Again, unless I was about to jump in the car and drive out to Somerset to use the toilet or take a shower…

What I’m trying to say is, we don’t need the bells and whistles. Just give us the news. Unless it’s something really spectacular, it’s not breaking news. So if they capture Bigfoot that would be a big deal. Or, if Penn Dot announces they aren’t going to do any construction all summer, then you’ve got something.

Which of those would be the most unbelievable story? I say we see Bigfoot working as a Wal-Mart greeter before Penn Dot doesn’t spend a summer closing roads. That would be “Fake News.”

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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