Fur the Love of Money

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

On the news the other night, there was a story about a team of Bigfoot Hunters that had come from California to Crawford County in search of…well, Bigfoot. I guess a couple that live in that area spotted a strange footprint on their property and called in these guys.

Are there no local professional Bigfoot hunters? Is this actually a vocation? What university’s offer classes? I know if Duquesne had offered Bigfoot 101, I would have done at least one semester.

The team from California is led by a father and son. The father has been chasing Bigfoot for more than fifty years…with no catches. Hey, the Cubs were over a hundred years without a title when they won the World Series last year. The son, TJ, claims there isn’t just one Bigfoot, but over eight thousand. I don’t know how he came up with these figures. I don’t know who conducted the last Bigfoot census. Again, I’m not a professional nor have I had any formal training in Bigfoot hunting.

For bait, they hang peanut butter and sardines from trees at a height that’s out of the reach of humans. Yeah, because you know people would be eating that up. What’s out of reach these days anyway? People keeping getting bigger with each generation. The problem would be finding somebody with a hankering for a peanut butter and sardine sandwich.

So, I guess the only thing they have to worry about is a seven foot pregnant woman with a strange craving and two slices of bread walking by. What are the odds of that happening? Actually about the same as Bigfoot showing up.

The thing that peaked my interest about this story is the team is offering a one million dollar reward for the capture of Bigfoot. Hey, I could use a million dollars. Actually, if you want to send me fifty bucks, I wouldn’t bad mouth you.

Since Bigfoot has eluded capture all of these years, he is obviously able to outsmart humans. I would have to think like a Bigfoot. If I was trying to avoid apprehension I would have to go someplace where I wouldn’t be noticed. That’s when I came up with the solution. The Anthrocon convention is in town this weekend.

If you’re unfamiliar with this, it’s adults that like to wear furry animal costumes and walk around like that. It’s a turn on for them, which I ah…I don’t get. Hey, there’s a lot of weird fetishes out there and I’m not here to judge.

Some of these people take it to extremes. Even though there paying top dollar to stay in the finest hotels, they bring animal cages to sleep in. Some actually have litter boxes in their rooms. I mean, how much are you leaving as a tip for the maid? I spilled an ice tea on the bed once and left a ten.

My problem will be distinguishing between Bigfoot and the people in costumes. They say Bigfoot gives off a hell of a stench. Although, I can’t imagine people walking around in fur costumes during the hottest, most humid weekend of the year will smell too pleasant.

I had to come up with a plan. That’s when I decided to set up a hotdog stand downtown. As soon as someone orders one with peanut butter and extra sardines…Gotcha!

So hopefully next week I will be posting a picture of me, a Bigfoot and a big check. Of course, it could be me, a guy in a furry suit and a hotel cleaning bill. Wish me luck

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