Reduce My Sentence

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me”

By Comedian John Knight

When I was growing up, the only time my parents bought new appliances was when the kitchen was remodeled and my mother wanted a different color scheme. Then the old refrigerator was moved to the basement to be used for holidays. It was left behind when my parents moved, but probably still runs today.

That’s the way things used to be made. Before some numbers crunching jerk in an office somewhere came to the conclusion that,

“If appliances last forever, we can’t sell more. That means less money for the corporation.”

The previous owners left behind an old Maytag dryer when my wife and I moved into our house. It had some rust on the top but still worked. We figured if we could get another six months or so out of it, one less bill. The only reason we decided to get rid of it nine years later was that it was getting too loud. The clothes were still drying.

So we went out and bought a new Samsung dryer with all the bells and whistles. Seriously, it has bells and whistles. When the cycle is done, bells chime a little song to let you know. Back in the old days, we would set the timer on the dryer and then look at this thing called a clock. When the same amount of time had passed on this clock device, we knew the clothes were dry. I know it sounds primitive, but it’s all we had.

Anyway, last Sunday night, my wife informed me that the towels weren’t drying. The dryer was no longer getting hot. I said,

“Maybe, it’s just tired. Let it rest overnight and we’ll try in the morning.”

Just my way of saying,

“I don’t feel like dealing with it right now.”

We never used to buy warranties on appliances. Why waste money on something that will never stop working? It was different this time. They told me that these new dryers have computer boards and a lot of other things that can go haywire. I made what turned out to be a wise decision.

First thing Monday morning, my wife was on the phone with the repair company. I figured they’d just tell us when someone was coming over to look at it. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down. Then my wife gave me the news,

“They want you to go behind the dryer and remove the hose.”

I hadn’t even had my first sip yet. I’m not pleasant until I have my coffee. I know you find that hard to believe but I’m not always the happy, lovable guy that you’ve come to know.

The other thing was,

“They want you to go behind the dryer.”

Oh, yeah…I can just walk right back there with the big space I left just in case this happened. I’m guessing that even in a fifteen bedroom mansion, the dryer is up against a wall. In my house getting behind the dryer involves me pulling it out from the wall, then climbing over the washer. The space was barely big enough for me to bend down to get to the hose. Once it was off, I cleaned out the excess lint like they suggested.

The hose was a lot easier to get off than on. I was twisted like a pretzel behind there. Your back doesn’t’ enjoy being in that position, which it let me know the rest of the day. I tested the dryer and it still wasn’t getting hot.

When I got back upstairs my coffee was cold. I dumped it out and poured another cup. My wife was still on the phone, explaining I had no luck.

“They want you to take the hose back off, turn on the dryer and see if the air coming out is hot.”

“Son of a….!”

Did I mention I’m not pleasant until I have my coffee? Once again, over the washer and “ouch my back.” I disconnected the hose for the second time. My wife turned on the dryer and I put my foot near the exhaust.

“Does it feel hot?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“The coldest place on my body right now is my foot!”

So, since I wasn’t able to make the repairs myself and since I do have a warranty, they agreed to send somebody out. Get this, they will be here between 8 and 5 on Monday. That’s a nine hour window for those keeping score at home. Who does this? Even the bastards at the cable company keep it to four hours. Why not just say,

“Ah, we’ll be there next week sometime. Can’t give you an exact day or time, just don’t go anywhere in case we show up.”

So now I will be held prisoner all day on Monday, waiting for that call. I’m guessing they’ll call around four-fifteen to let me know they should be there within the half hour. I better warm up my foot. Just in case I want to kick them in the ass.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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