Jan 18 2016
Yesterday, John, who runs this blog, took advantage of me. He put me in Steelers gear, took a picture me and posted that picture on the internet. For that, he threw a MilkBone at me!
Given that, I demanded that he permit me to write today’s blog post. It seems only fair.
For the record, I did pick the MilkBone up off of the dirty floor and ate it. I am a lab, after all, and lab’s are addicted to, and will do anything, for even a molecule of a treat… even a lick of a butter wrapper.
Also, you KNOW for sure that I am writing this blog myself because, had a human written it as if they WERE a dog, there would be a ton of paltry, patronizing “AARF, AARF” and “RUFF, RUFF” inserts in between words!
Yesterday, the Pittsburgh Steelers played in a big football game yesterday. I know this because, there were a bunch of people at our house yesterday. There was food everywhere. There was food being DROPPED everywhere. It was a veritable buffet for me. On top of that, all I had to do was give someone a high-five-paw or sit, and I was able to score even more food.
I’m 99% sure that the Pittsburgh Steelers lost the game. I know this because, just before everyone started to clean up the house and throw very salvageable food scraps into the garbage, they had been swearing and yelling at a level as if I had chewed the winning Powerball ticket.
So the game loss is sad. But not nearly as sad as the pet-shaming that I had to endure so my owner could look cute on his social media stuff. I should have protested but… he baited me with MilkBones and I absolutely love those things. Listen, I have made a concerted effort to subdue my God-given instincts of bringing home dead rabbits and squirrel heads over the years. I haven’t chewed a shoe or a TV remote in over 10 years. I pretty much sleep all day, other than being let out to pee and poop a couple of times. On top of that, I let family members sneak into the house late at night without barking and snitching on them.
If you’re gonna put me in some pet-shaming photo, how about a steak or a 5-lb Kong full of crunchy, organic, farm-to-table, peanut butter, or, at the VERY least, someone going out to the back yard and cleaning up all of the well-preserved fall and winter poop, Ya Jagoffs!
Author’s Note: By the way, social media is the downfall of the future civilization. I used to get regular butt and head scratches throughout the day. Now, I get people walking by looking at their phones! I pretty much have to nose a crouch to get any attention these days.
Extra Author’s Note: Mr. Rooney, trade Michael Vick!